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*ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

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*ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:54 pm

Prologue
“I…I, no…this isn’t happening…it’s not happening, it’s not real…THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!!”
She saw the red, a bright colorful red of a hanging lantern, was splattered against the wall. It dripped from there and slowly oozed down the old, worn wood. The body of a long haired woman with a beautiful rounded face lied still as a statue, sprawled out on the floor. Her gaze directed at the young woman, who had just turned sixteen, stared at the girl with cold, tragic eyes. This was of course, due to the large gaping red hole in her chest. The scream of the young onlooker rang out and pierced the deep night sky. After mere seconds of viewing her loss, the girl turned around, away from the doorway, and ran. She ran, her breath rapidly tracing white arcs in the cold winter air. Blood rushed to her face as she ran, all the way down the snow covered tree lined road, to a grand mansion that stood three stories high on a seaside hill. The wind blew through her long brown hair, which was strikingly similar to that of the dead woman leaning against that damn wooden wall making up the supply shed. Tears cascaded down her face like thin waterfalls, and her heart pulsated though out her body so loudly it was the only thing she heard. Reaching the huge wooden doors, she slammed them open. The wind rushed in, dramatically swaying her waist length hair, while the bright full moon illuminated the girl’s round face, her big grey eyes, and her dripping tears. A short middle-aged man, her father Hiroki and Kasumi, stumbled backwards upon the crying girl’s sudden appearance. “She…she’s…mom is…,” her eyes grew wider, and she choked out these words with a fury and shock so great her voice was barely audible. The surprised pair standing in front of her exchanged worried glances, and looked back just in time to see the young woman collapse onto the floor below.
*****
She opened her eyes, and saw herself surrounded by an empty field of grass. Then she noticed something felt different. Her height was a few meters shorter than it should be. Why was that? She must be younger, and then she looked down at her hands. There were callouses developing on her fingertips. Knowing the significance of this fact and her surroundings, she ran in the northern direction, fully aware of who would be waiting for her arrival. The sprinting pace at which she ran made her legs burn like fire, and her heart want to burst. As the friction of her legs against the tall grass increased, the slight pain of just running grew stronger, ‘Just a little more and I’ll see her’. Finally, she stopped in the shadow of a figure that towered over her reduced frame. This woman had long brown hair, a rounded face, and brown almond eyes with the perfect amount of lashes. Her mother. “Mama! I found you! I thought you said you were gonna hide.” This tall and gentle figure smiled back warmly and said, “Oh sweetie, mama knew your too smart to miss me no matter where I hid. And I’m a bit tired from your lessons earlier.” “Really? Was I that good enough already mama?” “Yes, in fact I think you’re going to be the strongest little swordswoman the world has ever seen!” “Yay! I’ll be able to prove all those stupid boys wrong when they say girls can’t fight!” Her mother chucked at this remark, “I’m sure you will Akiri.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So yeah, this is far from finished, but i plan to turn this into a light novel to later be officially published in a few years in Japan hopefully, i really wanna break into the light novel industry.


Last edited by midori's crazy398 on Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:51 pm

A lot sure happens in this prologue! Though somehow, you've kept an air of mystery to the overall story. Sword Girl sounds like a real treat. I will assume Akiri will have a similar story to Arika Yumemiya with that "zero to hero" theme going.

So yeah, this is far from finished, but i plan to turn this into a light novel to later be officially published in a few years in Japan hopefully, i really wanna break into the light novel industry.

With time and practice Mi-Cray, you will. Dreams can and do come true. Just expect a very bumpy road. ^_^

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:01 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:A lot sure happens in this prologue! Though somehow, you've kept an air of mystery to the overall story. Sword Girl sounds like a real treat. I will assume Akiri will have a similar story to Arika Yumemiya with that "zero to hero" theme going.

So yeah, this is far from finished, but i plan to turn this into a light novel to later be officially published in a few years in Japan hopefully, i really wanna break into the light novel industry.

With time and practice Mi-Cray, you will. Dreams can and do come true. Just expect a very bumpy road. ^_^

Thanks Luu, my classmate told me I was being a bit too hard with killing off her mom in just the prologue, but I like that way, it screams tragedy and sets the stage for a badass to be born later on. I hope I can get lucky and break into the industry over there, since everyone tells me I'm good at writing, I'll show any speedbumps that dare get in my way who's boss!

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:18 pm

midori's crazy398 wrote:
Thanks Luu, my classmate told me I was being a bit too hard with killing off her mom in just the prologue, but I like that way, it screams tragedy and sets the stage for a badass to be born later on. I hope I can get lucky and break into the industry over there, since everyone tells me I'm good at writing, I'll show any speedbumps that dare get in my way who's boss!

A character's actions are justified as long as you explain WHY he or she did it. Furthermore, if the actions help develop the character further, then it's alright.

Well, you are good in general. However, even professionals need to polish their skills. As an aspiring author, never feel like you've reached your limit. XD Like those kids who think they can sing on those stupid American Idol shows. Always work hard to improve your writing. If Stephenie Meyer (of all authors...) made it into the business of writing, so can you. Though remember, Japanese light novels are a tougher league to enter. Never give up.

_________________
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The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
Administrator. The Showstopper. The Headliner. The Main Event. The Icon. Mr. Mai-Series.
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Sun Mar 24, 2013 6:12 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:
midori's crazy398 wrote:
Thanks Luu, my classmate told me I was being a bit too hard with killing off her mom in just the prologue, but I like that way, it screams tragedy and sets the stage for a badass to be born later on. I hope I can get lucky and break into the industry over there, since everyone tells me I'm good at writing, I'll show any speedbumps that dare get in my way who's boss!

A character's actions are justified as long as you explain WHY he or she did it. Furthermore, if the actions help develop the character further, then it's alright.

Well, you are good in general. However, even professionals need to polish their skills. As an aspiring author, never feel like you've reached your limit. XD Like those kids who think they can sing on those stupid American Idol shows. Always work hard to improve your writing. If Stephenie Meyer (of all authors...) made it into the business of writing, so can you. Though remember, Japanese light novels are a tougher league to enter. Never give up.

I understand, i'll certainly take that into account. My English teacher has also read it and she's been helping me in places that feel weak, such as the scenery that Akiri sees when she ran to her house after seeing her mom's corpse. That part where i described the trees did not exist in the original draft. Im glad you like it though, i'll continue to add more pieces of the story as i write it. I appreciate the support and advice. Here's what i came up with for Akiri's "profile":

Name: Akiri Ichiken (one sword Akiri)
Age 19 (16 in prologue, 10 in prologue flashback)
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Grey
Weapon: Chinese Sword (Qing Long)
Romantic Relationships: Kasumi Ansatsusha (Assassin Katsumi)-Girlfriend of four years (from when Akiri was 15), Kasumi loves Akiri very much and despite her kind and gentle demeanor toward others, she is actually an assassin who is highly skilled and has killed several people, however she deep down, hates this and is grateful to Akiri for pulling her out of the road to no return.
Height: 5'6
Akiri loves her mother, father and girlfriend deeply, so much so that she would do anything for them regardless of what it is, as long as she can see it as sensible and right. Upon the loss of her mother, she leaves her home for mainland China, in an attempt to both train and find the people responsible for her mother's murder. After 3 years she returns home much stronger, but is still unsuccessful in finding those responsible.

There's more, but this is the important stuff.

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:35 pm

UPDATE: Still the prologue, but there's only about a paragraph left till i cover the present in chapter 1, also, read the first post so this part i added makes sense: The two of them walked through the grasslands and sat under the shade of a lone tree. As the gentle wind rolled towards them, Akiri simply looked at her mother’s face with the ever curious and admiring eyes of a happy child. She absorbed every detail about her mother, from her long straight brown hair framing her face, to her round chin that appeared very feminine. Suddenly the world around them collapsed into pieces, her mother’s face however, stood still. Akiri felt the ground shake, no, the world shake, and became frightened. She tried to grab onto her mother with her small hands, “MAMA! WHAT’S GOING ON?! WE HAVE TO GO NOW! IM SACRED!” Tears welled up in the girl’s eyes, but instead of returning her fear and desperation to get to safety, her mother simply sat there with an expression that had not changed. Finally, Akiri’s vision began to darken, her scream from earlier had destroyed her voice, so that she could only whisper “Mama…” The world darkened around her, and Akiri’s vision was silenced by empty blackness.
*****
“-RI, AKIRI! WAKE UP! PLEASE WAKE UP!” She opened her eyes wide and sat up with a start. It was just a dream, no, more like a nightmare. Akiri wildly looked around the room she was in, as though she had gone insane, and finally saw the face of the other young woman who had seen her fall in front of the mansion’s doors. “Akiri! Thank goodness you’re ok, we were worried sick about you!” Akiri stared back at the girl, her eyes dull and listless after what she had witnessed only an hour ago. The girl knew the reason for those eyes, and she frowned. “I…I’m so sorry about her, Aki. We buried her already, me and your dad.” Seeing that Akiri would not move, the girl leaned forward and held Akiri tight. Akiri did not resist, she simply drew her arms around the girl’s waist and pulled her closer, so that she could whisper in her ear. “I couldn’t save her…Kasumi, when I found her, I was too late, and I couldn’t do anything!” Kasumi tilted her head slightly, and kissed Akiri’s neck. “What’s done is done. You can’t beat yourself up for her death. Instead, you should focus and find who did this.” “Your right my love, but I can’t help feeling guilty. I should have been there for her.” Kasumi sighed. At the moment there wasn’t much else she could say. It already hurt enough that the person she loved most was leaving for three years, now this… then it occurred to her, what she should say, “Then, you use the time ahead of you to get much stronger, much, much stronger than who you are now. If you do that, then you can kill the bastard who did this with no hesitation or weakness.” Akiri’s eyes widened, before once again being overflowed with the rivers of her tears. She hugged Kasumi tighter, “Yeah, I have to use my time to train wisely. Now I actually have a motivation to deal with Bao-Zhi.” She chuckled very softly at this, but now her eyes were filled with determination. She had a goal, a purpose, and she would do anything and everything to see it through. Her mood was better, but was soon filled once more with sadness. Akiri flipped Kasumi’s body so that she was beneath her on the bed. Hovering over her, she stared into Kasumi’s deep brown eyes and moved her silky black bangs to the side with her right hand. Kasumi wrapped her arms around Akiri’s neck and let the girl’s long hair tickle her chest, her own hair fanned out around the sheets. Akiri leaned down and caught Kasumi’s lips with her own. They kissed like this for a long time, it would be the last time they did for a while. Finally pulling away after what felt like eternity (though it was only a minute), they panted and gasped for air. Akiri lowered her head onto Kasumi’s chest and stayed there, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist. “I’m going to miss you so much.” “I know, it’s the same with me. I love you.” Kasumi placed a hand on Akiri’s head. “I love you too.” They held each other till Kasumi’s soft breathing could be heard throughout the room. Now that no one could hear her, Akiri wept and gave out a silent scream, her heart in her throat and her head pounding madly.
*****

Walking down the road to the docks the next morning was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life. ‘I need to do this. For mom, for dad, for Kasumi, and myself. No matter how hard it is I must become stronger!’

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Tue Apr 16, 2013 10:45 pm

One character's determination makes for an excellent journey. Very drama heavy chapter, Midori-chan! You're good at exhibiting emotion through your characters, this is a good thing. The story is moving a bit fast, but maybe that's just because of how the chapter is structured. The chapter itself is fine, though you may want to separate character dialogue from the descriptions. Especially if the action is explain in great detail. For example:

Akiri did not resist, she simply drew her arms around the girl’s waist and pulled her closer, so that she could whisper in her ear. “I couldn’t save her…Kasumi, when I found her, I was too late, and I couldn’t do anything!”

Should convert into:

Akiri did not resist, she simply drew her arms around the girl’s waist and pulled her closer, so that she could whisper in her ear.

“I couldn’t save her…Kasumi, when I found her, I was too late, and I couldn’t do anything!”

So the entire chapter doesn't look like a giant tightly knit paragraph. Other than that, I'm loving the story telling here. Keep it up! high five

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The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Tue Apr 16, 2013 10:52 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:One character's determination makes for an excellent journey. Very drama heavy chapter, Midori-chan! You're good at exhibiting emotion through your characters, this is a good thing. The story is moving a bit fast, but maybe that's just because of how the chapter is structured. The chapter itself is fine, though you may want to separate character dialogue from the descriptions. Especially if the action is explain in great detail. For example:

Akiri did not resist, she simply drew her arms around the girl’s waist and pulled her closer, so that she could whisper in her ear. “I couldn’t save her…Kasumi, when I found her, I was too late, and I couldn’t do anything!”

Should convert into:

Akiri did not resist, she simply drew her arms around the girl’s waist and pulled her closer, so that she could whisper in her ear.

“I couldn’t save her…Kasumi, when I found her, I was too late, and I couldn’t do anything!”

So the entire chapter doesn't look like a giant tightly knit paragraph. Other than that, I'm loving the story telling here. Keep it up! high five

Crap! I can't believe i forgot about spacing T-T, seriously, for someone who got a 93 on the regents i forget it if its not a test. I will change it and remember your advice! About the chapter, since its a prologue i wanted to give a rough summary before jumping into the present so thats why it may seem rushed a bit.

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Tue Apr 16, 2013 10:56 pm

Thanks for letting me know, Mi-Cray. The added prologue sped the pacing like you wouldn't believe. XD Keep it steady for Akiri and company. You're good at character interaction, so use a slow pace to your advantage.

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The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
Administrator. The Showstopper. The Headliner. The Main Event. The Icon. Mr. Mai-Series.
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:00 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:Thanks for letting me know, Mi-Cray. The added prologue sped the pacing like you wouldn't believe. XD Keep it steady for Akiri and company. You're good at character interaction, so use a slow pace to your advantage.

I might have to rework the whole thing then 0-0 sweatdrop



Last edited by midori's crazy398 on Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:05 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:04 pm

midori's crazy398 wrote:
I might have to rework the whole thing then 0-0 sweatdrop

:) Nonsense, just continue on and apply corrections to future chapters. Worry about editing your previous chapters later.

_________________
Mai-X-Project

The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
Administrator. The Showstopper. The Headliner. The Main Event. The Icon. Mr. Mai-Series.
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:06 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:
midori's crazy398 wrote:
I might have to rework the whole thing then 0-0 sweatdrop

:) Nonsense, just continue on and apply corrections to future chapters. Worry about editing your previous chapters later.

Yays, oh yeah, before i forget, chapter one will feature more *ahem-hem*"Intimate" contact between Akiri and Kasumi, but just build up and afterwards. So if anybody is boarding the ship, i got you covered. *feels the stares on the back of my head*

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:10 pm

I forgot to mention that i based the entire story off a Soul Calibur 5 custom i made who i named KenOnna (Sword Girl) and originally Akiri didnt have a real name until i combined Akko's real name (Akiko) and Mariko's nickname (Mari) to make Akiri, though i only combined them cuz i couldn't think of anything better, and i wanted her to have a romantic relationship that was just as cool and sweet as the one in Girlfriends.


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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Fri May 17, 2013 10:40 pm

UPDATE: This is the beginning of the end for the prologue at long last. There should only be a page left, then we jump into the present and some smexy Akiri x Kasumi stuff, nothing graphic through. This ain't a porno of course, and so im forced to walk the tightrope of what is passable as just romantic and what is not >__<. Please let me know if something seems out of hand in the future.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking down the road to the docks the next morning was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life.
‘I need to do this. For mom, for dad, for Kasumi, and myself. No matter how hard it is I must become stronger!’
Behind her, her father and Kasumi walked silently and mournfully. Their feet making slow, uncertain trudges against the dirt.
‘ I don’t want her to leave, I wish we could just stay together and live normal lives. But, it’s selfish of me to think that at a time like this. This is what she’s made up her mind to do, I can’t stop her. She knows the way I feel anyway.’
Kasumi quickly looked up at Akiri, who's back faced her, long hair swaying side to side as she walked. She continued walking like this, admiring her lover’s determination, but still resenting the situation they were both in. Akiri’s father Hiroki was also in a depression, but felt far worse than Kasumi. With his wife gone and his daughter leaving for three years, the poor man felt he was ready to break. His tougher stance now was only the result of hours of yelling and tears with Kasumi as a witness. The memories of his wife’s bloody body, her pale, seemingly bleached face reflecting the silver moonlight which shined on tragedy. Her once lively eyes, now dead and vacant of all life or joy. It was too much. His cries of grief had echoed against the forest and mountains. They carried across the cliff and over the black, frigid waters of the ocean in an intense, primal scream of mourning and loss. He only ceased this scream at Kasumi’s request, so that Akiri would not be even further disturbed once she came to after fainting. Retreating into a ball of burning tears, a ripped throat and a torn soul, he retired at once to his room, and it was long after the sun had risen that he woke from the gentle taps of Akiri’s hand against his shoulder. By now they had reached the end of the winding dirt road. The long wooden dock jutted out from the shoreline like a rectangular finger, pointing out to the blue water beyond. The tall shadow of the Ichiken mansion on it’s round hill dominated the surrounding area to the west, and as such it made the wooden finger appear to be as dark as the fading twilight, where the night’s own shadow begins to take over.


Last edited by midori's crazy398 on Thu May 30, 2013 10:48 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Thu May 30, 2013 8:45 pm

midori's crazy398 wrote: I forgot to mention that i based the entire story off a Soul Calibur 5 custom i made who i named KenOnna (Sword Girl) and originally Akiri didnt have a real name until i combined Akko's real name (Akiko) and Mariko's nickname (Mari) to make Akiri, though i only combined them cuz i couldn't think of anything better, and i wanted her to have a romantic relationship that was just as cool and sweet as the one in Girlfriends.


Nothing wrong with a little bit of inspiration from Milk Morinaga. The woman is a genius. Arika Yumemiya

midori's crazy398 wrote:UPDATE: This is the beginning of the end for the prologue at long last. There should only be a page left, then we jump into the present and some smexy Akiri x Kasumi stuff, nothing graphic through. This ain't a porno of course, and so im forced to walk the tightrope of what is passable as just romantic and what is not >__<. Please let me know if something seems out of hand in the future.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking down the road to the docks the next morning was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life.
‘I need to do this. For mom, for dad, for Kasumi, and myself. No matter how hard it is I must become stronger!’
Behind her, her father and Kasumi walked silently and mournfully. Their feet making slow, uncertain trudges against the dirt.
‘ I don’t want her to leave, I wish we could just stay together and live normal lives. But, it’s selfish of me to think that at a time like this. This is what she’s made up her mind to do, I can’t stop her. She knows the way I feel anyway.’
Kasumi quickly looked up at Akiri, who's back faced her, long hair swaying side to side as she walked. She continued walking like this, admiring her lover’s determination, but still resenting the situation they were both in. Akiri’s father Hiroki was also in a depression, but felt far worse than Kasumi. With his wife gone and his daughter leaving for three years, the poor man felt he was ready to break. His tougher stance now was only the result of hours of yelling and tears with Kasumi as a witness. The memories of his wife’s bloody body, her pale, seemingly bleached face reflecting the silver moonlight which shined on tragedy. Her once lively eyes, now dead and vacant of all life or joy. It was too much. His cries of grief had echoed against the forest and mountains. They carried across the cliff and over the black, frigid waters of the ocean in an intense, primal scream of mourning and loss. He only ceased this scream at Kasumi’s request, so that Akiri would not be even further disturbed once she came to after fainting. Retreating into a ball of burning tears, a ripped throat and a torn soul, he retired at once to his room, and it was long after the sun had risen that he woke from the gentle taps of Akiri’s hand against his shoulder. By now they had reached the end of the winding dirt road. The long wooden dock jutted out from the shoreline like a rectangular finger, pointing out to the blue water beyond. The tall shadow of the Ichiken mansion on it’s round hill dominated the surrounding area to the west, and as such it made the wooden finger appear to be as dark as the fading twilight, were the night’s own shadow begins to take over.

Poor Hiroki, the guy just broke down hard. Nice addition to the prologue, Midori! If you're worried about Akiri having sexy times with Kasumi, please don't be. On my forum, you can be as naughty as you want with the characters, as long as your story isn't one-hundred percent smut. I do not want bad, uninspired fics on my forum. :) Also, the characters need to be above a certain age. I don't remember if you ever stated Akiri and Kasumi's ages in previous entries. If they're like 14 and above, that's fine. I think that's was the starting age of the couple from Kuttsukiboshi. XD

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Thu May 30, 2013 10:19 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:
midori's crazy398 wrote: I forgot to mention that i based the entire story off a Soul Calibur 5 custom i made who i named KenOnna (Sword Girl) and originally Akiri didnt have a real name until i combined Akko's real name (Akiko) and Mariko's nickname (Mari) to make Akiri, though i only combined them cuz i couldn't think of anything better, and i wanted her to have a romantic relationship that was just as cool and sweet as the one in Girlfriends.


Nothing wrong with a little bit of inspiration from Milk Morinaga. The woman is a genius. Arika Yumemiya

midori's crazy398 wrote:UPDATE: This is the beginning of the end for the prologue at long last. There should only be a page left, then we jump into the present and some smexy Akiri x Kasumi stuff, nothing graphic through. This ain't a porno of course, and so im forced to walk the tightrope of what is passable as just romantic and what is not >__<. Please let me know if something seems out of hand in the future.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking down the road to the docks the next morning was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life.
‘I need to do this. For mom, for dad, for Kasumi, and myself. No matter how hard it is I must become stronger!’
Behind her, her father and Kasumi walked silently and mournfully. Their feet making slow, uncertain trudges against the dirt.
‘ I don’t want her to leave, I wish we could just stay together and live normal lives. But, it’s selfish of me to think that at a time like this. This is what she’s made up her mind to do, I can’t stop her. She knows the way I feel anyway.’
Kasumi quickly looked up at Akiri, who's back faced her, long hair swaying side to side as she walked. She continued walking like this, admiring her lover’s determination, but still resenting the situation they were both in. Akiri’s father Hiroki was also in a depression, but felt far worse than Kasumi. With his wife gone and his daughter leaving for three years, the poor man felt he was ready to break. His tougher stance now was only the result of hours of yelling and tears with Kasumi as a witness. The memories of his wife’s bloody body, her pale, seemingly bleached face reflecting the silver moonlight which shined on tragedy. Her once lively eyes, now dead and vacant of all life or joy. It was too much. His cries of grief had echoed against the forest and mountains. They carried across the cliff and over the black, frigid waters of the ocean in an intense, primal scream of mourning and loss. He only ceased this scream at Kasumi’s request, so that Akiri would not be even further disturbed once she came to after fainting. Retreating into a ball of burning tears, a ripped throat and a torn soul, he retired at once to his room, and it was long after the sun had risen that he woke from the gentle taps of Akiri’s hand against his shoulder. By now they had reached the end of the winding dirt road. The long wooden dock jutted out from the shoreline like a rectangular finger, pointing out to the blue water beyond. The tall shadow of the Ichiken mansion on it’s round hill dominated the surrounding area to the west, and as such it made the wooden finger appear to be as dark as the fading twilight, were the night’s own shadow begins to take over.

Poor Hiroki, the guy just broke down hard. Nice addition to the prologue, Midori! If you're worried about Akiri having sexy times with Kasumi, please don't be. On my forum, you can be as naughty as you want with the characters, as long as your story isn't one-hundred percent smut. I do not want bad, uninspired fics on my forum. :) Also, the characters need to be above a certain age. I don't remember if you ever stated Akiri and Kasumi's ages in previous entries. If they're like 14 and above, that's fine. I think that's was the starting age of the couple from Kuttsukiboshi. XD

Yay! I nailed a depiction of emotional human suffering!...not a very nice thing >__<. Our hero started dating her GF when she was 15, one year before the prologue, they obviously got really close and given a certain plot point which i shall not reveal yet, Kasumi took residence in Aki's big ass pad. Also, i still want to keep it somewhat under control because my audience is meant to be teens/very young adults, and we all know how people (esp. parents) can get with sex, especially when it comes to gays >__>. This is why when Akiri and Kasumi do have sex (and they will) im only going to describe before and after, not what we all know they were doing in between the sheets.

PS. I plan to publish this when i'm done, thats why i mentioned a target audience. My dad and i have conceived a grand plan you see > : D

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:42 pm

UPDATE: The regents have struck once again, and this time it's an uphill battle, combined with a Dragon Age: Origins replay after i felt a wave of nostalgia when i found my disk, that kept me from writing for a little bit, but now i'm back on track! (Thats also why this prologue has gone on for way too long 0-0).
-----------------------------------------------------
Despite their timing being impeccable, there was  no ship waiting to greet them.  Puzzled, Akiri stopped and looked around, out towards the wide and clear ocean. Still, nothing appeared. Kasumi and Hiroki also stopped behind Akiri and while maintaining outward appearances of confusion, deep in their minds they felt relieved. Their moment of reckoning and separation would be prolonged just a little while longer. Akiri turned around to face them and asked,
 “Hey, aren’t we on time? I thought he told you they would be here in the afternoon, in the last letter.”
Her father responded,
 “That’s true, honestly this is somewhat odd. Bao Zhi’s men are well disciplined and punctual, perhaps there was an issue with the weather.”
Wanting to make the most of the possibly few minutes they had left together, Kasumi jogged up to her lover and hugged Akiri tight. She looked up at Akiri’s face, and into her enrapturing and curiously colored grey eyes, a trait she received from her father.  Wrapping her arms around Kasumi’s waist, she could see the burning questions in her eyes as she looked down,
 ‘Will you be ok? Will I see you come back safe?...I don’t want you to leave me...’
Akiri sensed these questions and worries, beginning to feel panic in her chest. She couldn’t answer them. She just didn’t know. Then there was her father and his break down over the loss of her mother,
‘There’s just no end to sadness lately, is there?’
“It’ll be ok. I promise” Akiri whispered
Kasumi continued to hold her lover, but lowered her head into the crook of Akiri’s neck.
The wind picked up to form a strong breeze around the three of them, and with it the wind carried the sound of a loud, seemingly exaggerated cry with it onto the shoreline.
“UUWAAAAAHHHH!!! WE’RE GONNA CRASH!”

The waves, once calm and serene, began to crash sharply as the tall bow of a ship sliced through them like a sword. Akiri’s body jerked up slightly in surprise of the yell, to which Kasumi let go of her body and took a step backwards, her eyes growing wide and her mouth a large open “O” shape. Akiri quickly turned her head to face the ocean and her eyes also widened in shock and terror. A medium sized ship with a single towering mast and a  rippling square sail sped extremely fast down the water and into the surf, its course heading straight for the dock.

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:23 pm

Aren't Kasumi and Akiri just the cutest? :) Don't sweat it, Mi-Cray. The prologue wasn't that extensive if you really think about it. I'm just happy to see a new update, albeit a short one. Arika Yumemiya

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The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
Administrator. The Showstopper. The Headliner. The Main Event. The Icon. Mr. Mai-Series.
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:16 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:Aren't Kasumi and Akiri just the cutest? :)Don't sweat it, Mi-Cray. The prologue wasn't that extensive if you really think about it. I'm just happy to see a new update, albeit a short one. Arika Yumemiya

Well, i learn from what i see and what i like, so the result is a cutesty couple xD. I'm glad you like this! I've been keeping an eye on the views too after i first posted this thread. I'm getting pretty popular around here 0-0.

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Tue Jul 09, 2013 7:49 pm

midori's crazy398 wrote:Well, i learn from what i see and what i like, so the result is a cutesty couple xD. I'm glad you like this! I've been keeping an eye on the views too after i first posted this thread. I'm getting pretty popular around here 0-0.

Razz No problem, Mi-Cray. It's a healthy thing to be inspired by others works; only to apply them to our own. This is Girlfriends type cuteness in a way. You're a smash hit, Mi-Cray! Don't expect a lot of reviews and stuff, people are too lazy for that (even on ff.net). But the views numbers are pretty high, that's rewarding enough to me. Keep it up whenever you can! Everyone is having a busy summer, so take your time. leek 

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The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
Administrator. The Showstopper. The Headliner. The Main Event. The Icon. Mr. Mai-Series.
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Wed Jul 10, 2013 6:37 pm

Luu Sky Sapphire wrote:
midori's crazy398 wrote:Well, i learn from what i see and what i like, so the result is a cutesty couple xD. I'm glad you like this! I've been keeping an eye on the views too after i first posted this thread. I'm getting pretty popular around here 0-0.

Razz No problem, Mi-Cray. It's a healthy thing to be inspired by others works; only to apply them to our own. This is Girlfriends type cuteness in a way. You're a smash hit, Mi-Cray! Don't expect a lot of reviews and stuff, people are too lazy for that (even on ff.net). But the views numbers are pretty high, that's rewarding enough to me. Keep it up whenever you can! Everyone is having a busy summer, so take your time. leek 

I know what you mean by a busy summer! I started my first job two days ago in the NYCSYEP summer program. Though what's hilarious (in considering what my aspiring career is) is that my job is to write. That's it. As long as the piece has to do with HIV/AIDS then its fine. My 9 to 3 shift isn't that bad either, i just need to keep myself from passing out, as i have to wake up at 6:30 AM to get to my job >__>. Plus, $300 every two weeks is pretty good in my opinion. Thanks for the views, and i'm happy for the views everyone else gives every time they click on this thread (even if it's just us messaging back and forth).

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Wed Jul 10, 2013 6:45 pm

midori's crazy398 wrote:
I know what you mean by a busy summer! I started my first job two days ago in the NYCSYEP summer program. Though what's hilarious (in considering what my aspiring career is) is that my job is to write. That's it. As long as the piece has to do with HIV/AIDS then its fine. My 9 to 3 shift isn't that bad either, i just need to keep myself from passing out, as i have to wake up at 6:30 AM to get to my job >__>. Plus, $300 every two weeks is pretty good in my opinion. Thanks for the views, and i'm happy for the views everyone else gives every time they click on this thread (even if it's just us messaging back and forth).

Those aren't bad work hours if all you have to do is write. $300 every two weeks is a blessing these days. Trust me Mi-Cray, SAVE YOUR MONEY. INVEST! You'll be a lot more richer when you get older and since you're starting so young....you see where I'm going with this, right? :)

Keep on writing whenever you get the chance, we'll always be around. ruby 

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The law of physics: Whenever there's this much gay in one room, Shizuru manifests!
When Shizuru said "Ara" for the first time, the "Ara" broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies.

Luu Sky Sapphire
Administrator. The Showstopper. The Headliner. The Main Event. The Icon. Mr. Mai-Series.
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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:54 pm

UPDATE: Yay! New characters ya'll!
--------------------------------------------------

On the deck of said ship, was a screaming young man, the same one who had given the alarming cry seconds ago, mashed against the base of the bow. His arms tightly gripped and clung onto it for dear life as the boat continued it’s crash course. It was now a mere twenty feet away from the dock, Akiri and her companions quickly scattered to the left, dodging out of it’s path. They hit the dirt hard, and Akiri’s jaw bounced upward, her teeth clattered and bit the inside of her cheeks and tongue. A sharp pain spread throughout the side of her face, and Akiri instinctively moved her hand to her right cheek and groaned loudly in pain. She then stumbled to her feet after lying prone and glanced around to check for the others. Kasumi was on her hands and knees, also trying to stand up. She coughed heavily and rubbed the side of her head, which throbbed with a pounding headache. Lastly, Hiroki slowly got to his feet, also clutching his head. A thin cut ran across the side of his face, and a stream of blood flowed outward. He groaned a little but wasn’t seriously hurt. The ship had run aground, its bow and part of the amidships were sunk in the dirt and destroyed pieces of the wooden dock. The young man who had clung to the bow, fell backwards off of it in a manner that resembled the way a dead fish flops back on it’s side. He lay on the wood deck panting and breathless for a few seconds, before lifting himself up and peering over the ships side. He saw the other three all scattered and stumbling their way back up to their feet. He quickly glanced over Akiri and Kasumi first, noting how beautiful they were.
‘Damn, they are so fine! I wonder which one is supposed to come back with us...I wouldn’t mind having either or both, their such babes! That long hair,slim build, innocent look, it wouldn’t hurt to try the Japanese style of doing things...’
His eyes then drifted over to Hiroki, who returned his gaze with a menacing and murderous glare.
‘Oh crap...’
Looking for a way to lighten the mood and make himself known to the two attractive girls,he stood up, put his left hand behind his head and shouted,
“Sorry about this, the winds can get out of control you know? Eh heh heh.”
‘You're blaming this on the wind alone?! More like someone screwed up on steering that huge thing.’
Akiri thought this silently, and noted the false modesty and attempt at being cute that the man was playing at. She looked over at Kasumi with nervous and concerned eyes, when her father spoke,
“Well don't just stand there like an idiot, where are your captain and fellow crew members? I need to speak to them at once!”
“Umm, right, wel-”
The doors of the cabin near the back of the ship burst open with a loud BAM, and a ragtag group of seven men piled out of it. They gasped for air and tried to regain their balance after being rocked around and thrown like ragdolls with the crashing of the ship. A tall shadow stood out and towered above them, and a man appeared, dressed in a simple red chang pao. His face was very square and defined, with the tough look of both a warrior and disciplinarian. He spoke in a loud, booming voice,
“HU LI! What do you think you're doing you fool?!”

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

Post by midori's crazy398 on Sun Aug 18, 2013 5:26 pm

EVERYONE, I HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

My story "Sword Girl" is now published on the Wattpad site! please read it here from now on: http://www.wattpad.com/story/7743442-sword-girl

However, you can still comment and send me feedback on this page in the forum! Don't forget to click "Vote" on the story's page while your at it!

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Re: *ORIGINAL STORY!* Prologue of "Sword Girl" not finished but here's what i have so far

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