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Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

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Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

Post by Dark-Saron on Sat Nov 17, 2012 5:14 pm

Hello! (Hope i am posting this in the right Forum part if not i am sorry Wink )

Since the start of the month the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writting Month) has started and i am taking part in it. Kicking my ass since the first of November to work on my Novel Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road. Which will be basicly a prequal kind of of the already posted Tainted Soul (for those who know it already) you can read on Fanfiction.net.

This wont be a ShizNat Story, since both of these characters aren't born in the timeline of the Novel Wink just as small side info, for whose who were wondering Razz. I will be posting (hopfully) this coming week the first worked over teasers to gather some feedback on what you guys think!

Once the month is over and hopfully the rough draft of the novel is done.... I had my first look over (fixing some grammar at least so it wont make your eyes bleed). I will need some Test-Readers (I already got around 2 friends but none of these know the characters from the Anime or Manga which will appear in it, so basicly they are unbased in that area).
It just would be also awsome to get some feedback from People who have knowledge, so i have a good balanced review from both sides.

So if after reading the Teasers some of you feel that this is a Novel they would love to read about let me know! :) I have to say i would prefer to have Test readers exclusive who have a look over the rough draft and later the fixed overs (aka no sharing with none-testreaders) but i do know thats not possible xD.

So long speech short meaning small info about the story:

Title: Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road (I will probably change the title to Tainted Soul I: Demon Soul but not sure yet)
Word Count: currently 32.061 (and half through with the story outline)
Genre: Fantasy/Action (some drama, friendship)
Rating: PG 13+ (never good with setting this right but there will be blood some cursing etc)

This story will count as AU which should be pretty obviouse as actually i think most of the stories i write are Wink

Summary follows soon more detailed but here is what i have which of course doesnt tell al xD:

Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road is a side story which deals with the bumpy road the young demon Maria and her friend Nyx had to prove themself as grown Demons.

Dark-Saron
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Re: Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

Post by Dark-Saron on Fri Mar 08, 2013 12:26 pm

So lets not count that i said i have this story finished and be done with the draft shall we? Razz

I decided to try something else to get myself kicked between the endless toture of Uni Assigments =_=".
The Story is still in draft state but instead if giving a endless wait i will post every 6 pages here to get some feedback and critique which will help in the final work in the end :).
PLZ keep in mind this is a draft while i tried to edit and avoid spelling/grammar mistakes i am nowhere from perfect and i am sorry if it makes the native english speaking peoples eyes bleed xD but your are warned. For the final work i will naturally have a Beta-Reader who will help me to avoid such 'accidents' ^^

But enough talk here the first 6 Pages. Lets see how far this weekend let me go with the next ones:

Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

The knock on the door shook Maria out of her haze in which she had caught herself once again. Her grey eyes turned from the ancient written pages of the tomb in front of her up. For a single moment the thought of not making a sound and ignoring the knocking crossed her mind, but as fast and sudden as that rebellious thought had appeared it was away.
“Come in.” Her voice had an authoritarian edge in its tone, her features which had darkened moments before schooled into a neutral expression to hide her displeasure at the interruption.

The door opened with a hushed creak and an emaciated face peeked around. Maria’s face stayed neutral as she watched the old servant called Taral come into the room. He was one of the oldest demons who served under the lord of the hydra clan.
Moments passed without the servant saying a single word, his black orbs simply starring towards the young demones. He was studying the not so young demon child, who he had known since her first scream of life. He mused that she still looked small compare to her momentarily surrounding.
Marias grey eyes starred back at him while he could not help himself noticing that the tips of her blond hair almost reached her eyelashes. Perhaps a cut would be in order again.
It was a contest of starring between the two. But nonetheless Maria did know she couldn’t keep this up without losing her mind. It made the corner of her mouth almost slightly jump up at the memory of trying to out stare the old servant, ending each time with her losing.
“I thought I said I do not wish to be disturbed tonight.” It was not really question; a simple message which seemed to come across just the way it was supposed to be as old Taral bowed his head down, breaking the eye contact.

“Forgive my intrusion young Mistress but the lord requires your presence immediately.” His voice had a screeching undertone which always made the hair of Marias Neck stand up.
Without another word the young demon stood up, leaving the book open. She repressed the urge to sigh, just than she had gotten to a good part.
Taral hurried to open the door more to make space. As Maria passed him her eyes looked straight at him, he was a head smaller than herself and so she had to look down. “Make sure no one goes in here while I am away.”
She was not sure what kind of affect her tone had at him as his dark rough skin gave nothing away. Her eyes narrowed and her face only centimetres as she leaned to him. “No one, besides the Lord and me.” He nodded in agreement. They both knew that it gave only two people in the clan who would dare to enter the lords study besides the lord.
The walls of halls echoed her booted steps along towards her destination announcing her entrance even before she reached it. The doors to the lords private room opened. Holding her chin up Maria walked inside and stopped only as she reached the middle of the room where she stood with her back straightened waiting for whatever the lord had to tell her. She felt nervous, keeping herself in control to not start and fidget with the edge of her trouser.
“Taral has told me that you had buried yourself again in the study young lady.” The lords voice was kind, it was obscure was his whole physical appearance marked by strength and fear. Half of his face and part of his throat was marked by deep scares of a battle not that many years ago. His once two beautiful horns on his head only half of what they used to be. Like Maria his hair was a shining blond. His skin coated by fine dark-grey scales which shimmered in the light of the torches.
For a moment Maria fought the urge to bite her lip and look at the floor. But that would have been a sign of shame, and she knew how such behaviour and weakness was treated. Instead she continued to look straight at the lord, not in his eyes but on his chin sometimes his hair, just not his eyes. She didn’t say anything and waited for the lord.
With an amused twinkle in his eyes the lord lightly shifted in his seat, his tail slightly scrapping over the floor. “Tell me what does occupy your young mind that you find it necessary to spend the day buried in the old tombs my child.”
A change of colour was visible on the peeks of her ears as for a moment the young girl looked down, her cheeks taking also a tint of red as the blood seemed to flow priority towards her head. The lord still referred to her as child even if she was no child anymore, no she was almost an adult in demon terms.
“I was going through some of our clan’s history.” She admitted, almost catching herself mumbling.
The lords thin eyebrows raised at this piece of information. He gave her another moment to see if she would give him more of what she was searching for but her lips stayed shut.
“Tell me more about it, what is it that your searching for which you cant ask me instead?” the lord enjoyed the moment of shock which passed her as her head jerked up and her eyes seemed to stare at him. “Or is it a secret that a book would rather say than the lord of the clan itself perhaps?”
It always surprised and yet at the same time made him proud how fast the child could overcome her shock and be a perfect uninterested bystander. Naturally he already knew that he was right in his accusing as she had already slipped to much in her reaction, something she would need to work on in the future more. “Don’t be afraid…” His eyes looked direct in hers as his voice seemed to force her to look up. “Tell me what it is you crave for.”
She seemed to gulp down a thick ball of hesitation down as she struggled to keep her eyes even. It would have been rude to turn her eyes away. “I..” She took a deep breath. “I overheard the guards last night, they were speaking about the old days of the war and how one of the beasts had escaped towards the other world…”
The lord kept silent while Maria told him about what she heard and how it had confused her that she never had heard anything like that in the lessons of the history of the clan. At the end he studied her, wondering if this was really the reason or if she simply made it up to decive him from her real search. Whatever it was he was sure it would reveal itself in time and so he focused back into the moment with his offspring.
A low not unkind chuckle escaped the lord shocking the young girl. “Tell me Maria did you find anything in the books?” He asked and Maria shook her head.
“None my lord, not even with a single word…” She admitted, a small frustrated sigh leaving her lips, perhaps that was really the reason she was so occupied lately he wondered.
“Perhaps there is nothing like this.” He said with a small shrug of his shoulders making the layers of armour blades rubbing on each other which resulted in a low rattle sound.
Marias mouth opened in a way to protest but closed it, she didn’t have the right to disagree with him not even with her birth status. Instead she choose to look at him showing in the way her brows furrowed lightly and the way her eyes darkened that she disagreed, her chin raising stubbornly. Perhaps everyone else would have already been beheaded by such behaviour, even she would have been subbed. But the fact was that both of them their alone and so the lord let it slip, rather being proud of her to stand for her own opinion while keeping the respect towards him. He preferred an open opinion which was not ruled by fear to displease him. His smile turned wider, showing his slight yellowed teeths and the sharp canine teeth. With a wink of his hand he gave her permission to say what she wanted, it was gesture so familiar for them that it seemed to comfort the young demon and her stiff stance finally relaxed.
“Maybe the lord is right and there is nothing to this of what I heard, but isn’t the same said about the guardians deep in the abyss down in Tatarus and our ancestors?”
As the lord laughed after a moment of astonishment Maria couldn’t help herself the small smile which grazed her face. It was a comforting feeling which seemed to overtake the young demon, to hear the lords warm laughter filling the room.
As the laugher finally fade away the lord gaced at her openly with a reassuring smile. “Not all is as it seems my child. Do you know why you don’t find any of what you heard in books?”
At this the girl thought about it. “Because it is something that should never happen?” even as the words left her mouth Maria already thought how ridicules this was, crossing to the other side was not a obstacle, at least not anymore as it used to be.
“Tell me how would it reflect on us if what you heard would be written in every book?” His tail which was curled around the thron moved lightly as he waited.
“I think…” She took a moment to order her thoughts. “some demons would look down on the clan, they would judge it based on the past story they read.”
“Indeed.” His expression darkened. “our clan is old Maria, for generation it was uphold in a strong frontier. Now and then things happen in this walls which never should leave our circle to keep what was build from our ancestors. Like in any other clan I would assume. Always keep in mind “ His eyes bored direct into her. “…while we as a family keep together there are others who leech for the power a heir holds of a clan. Show weakness and they will try to overrun you, accuse you of things if true or not does not matter. The thirst for power is a dangerous addiction.” ‘Which you should never give into’ his mind added.
Slowly the girl nodded, as she was about to ask another question the lords vision seemed to turn into him as he gazed lost over her shoulder. The silence was ticking and as the lord finally came back from wandering he ruefully stood up, towering around 3 heads over the childs height. He walked the remaining steps to her, and his hand came to a rest on shoulder. “It seems our time is cut short my child.” Maria gave a ruethful nod, she did not voice it but the rare times the two of them shared, deep down she missed them.
The lord didn’t let it take away from himself to walk Maria to her chambers. His offspring would have walked a step behind the lord as it was costume but his hand on her back pushed her firmly to keep up beside him as he escorted her.
When they reached the door Maria made sure that she did not see anyone and looked up. “My lord?” she wanted to know the answer.
“Hmm?” He gave her acknowledgment that he was indeed listening to whatever she had to say.
“So is it true? I mean did one of them really cross the border?”
He observed her as if to see past her. “In every tale there is a part truth and part presumption.” He smiled at her once again confused look. “Do not think to hard on this, in time our history will be open to you.”
Doubtfully she looked at the floor, strong fingers reached for her chin and made her look back up. They were not in the secure of a room, the corridor wide open for anyone to see such a kind treatment of the lord to his child. And yet he let it slip.
“Your young and eager to learn my child, but do not forgot you should not rush, it could lead into your own destruction one day.” Her eyes closed on their own as the lord bend down giving her forehead a small peck. He opened the door for her and watched her walk like in a haze inside. “Good night my little hydra my tataturs bless you in your sleep.”
As the door closed her hand unconscious reached up towards her forehead. A part of her was happy, happy that she did not get in trouble or scolded for doing what she did, happy to have spend time with him again. It had almost felt like old times, which seemed to become more and more a fogged memory in her mind and all it left was the nostalgia feeling whenever she was with him. The other part of her seemed to have gotten more curious.
As she changed her layers of clothes for the night she thought of the advice the lord had given her, in a way she knew the lord was right as she had memories of herself getting in danger because of her inexperience and eagerness to find things out, explore secrets.
She trusted his word, his word which was the law of the clan.
The next days Maria kept herself away from the study appearing to have satisfied her curiousity. She did her daily routines around the castle with her lessons. One of her favourite lesson was the fighting with her saber against her companion and best friend Nyx.
Nyx was not that much different from her, both their raised by the lord, both shared a deep connection to the clan and some interest in other areas. Maria considered Nyx like a sister even if others did trade her like a servant in the service of the clan, the only irksome difference in Marias mind was the age difference and the years of experience which showed through their time together.

Nyx hair was black like the caves without light, it length tamed by a leather band which kept it together in a ponytail. Since the young blond demon knew her friend she had her face always half covered by a mask. There were not many who ever saw what laid behind it, at least none who could report about it. Only Maria could but she would keep this secret forever to herself as it meant to much to her, it showed how much Nyx trusted and respected her friend.
“Are you excited?” Nyx asked her staff making a fast swing aimed at Marias midsection. Maria parried the not serious meant hit with the side of her sabre shoving the staff away from her body. “About?” One of her thin brows lifted giving Nyx a confused expression for an answer.
“Common playing dumb doesn’t suit you.” Nyx yellowish eyes narrowed playfully as she swung again for another hit this time bringing her body with it into play as she stepped forth, making her friend step to the side.
A few well trained hits were exchanged with each other before a short draw left them standing close. A tiny quiver of the side of Marias lips gave her away. She knew of course what Nyx meant. “What about you?” Maria asked giving her saber a light push to get some distance between her and Nyx again.
“I asked first.” Nyx protested. The young demon would not speak with anyone as much as she spoke with her friend, her only one.
“I am.” Maria finally admitted and let her quivering lip finally turn into a grin.
“So am I!” Nyx admitted and both continued to spare some more hits against each other before they were called from one of the teachers that it was time for Marias next lesson. Nyx stayed behind and continued her training some more with one of the other soldiers.
She could not really concentrate on the lesson, just like the other young demons in her class who were with her in the room. A short glance showed Maria that she wasn’t the only one who let her mind wonder around.
Some old faces would soon return to the clan while others would come forth towards the lord himself and ask for his blessing on their path to go and explore the world outside of the border.
It was exactly the same day as the lord finally let everyone get called together to gather in the throne hall. Besides Maria and Nyx a handful of other youngsters were there on the side.
On each side of the hall all kinds of inhabitants of the clan watched the spectacle. Maria recognized some of the guards and few of the servants besides Taral, the clan inhabited many different species of the demons as the lord did offer anyone who showed they loyalty towards the clan a home, not tolerating any kind of discrimination.
As the lord raised his hand, silence feel around and the murmurs of everyone stopped. With a short nod towards the guards at the fare end of the hall the double door got opened and a handful of demons walked in.
Maria leaned towards Nyx, nudging her with the elbow. She didn’t recognize any of the faces which walked towards the throne. “Do you remember any of these?”
Nyx gave a short nod. “Some… the pair at the lead… Iran and Kartasch, went away 10 years ago. I heard they made a good name as bounty hunters in some areas.”
Maria observed the described people. Both were dressed in fine leather armour, they bore the typical dragonic features of their kind, like the lord.
Nyx checked the other three demons but only one more she did recognize. “See the small one who is missing an eye? Old man Tekkan was away even longer than the pair. But I never heard any rumours from him. The other two must be here to ask for a place along the clan I guess.”
A curious gaze drifted from the corner of the blond demon towards her friend. Having to wonder once again how much age difference was between them.
As the group reached the throne they kneed down in front of the lord, bowing their heads in respect.
“In the name of the hydra clan I welcome you back into our lines Iran, Kartasch and Tekkan. And welcome Terra and Reiku on that you will find yourself a new home along your new family.” The lords voice filled the whole hall, being heard by anyone. A chorus of welcomes followed his words.
As the names were mentioned each of the bowed head looked up to the lord who gave in return each of the demons a nod of recognition.
It took a few more minutes till the pleasantries were exchanged and each of the demons introduced themselves towards the clan. It was finally the time for those to want to prove themselves to the world to step forward.
Once again the lords voice echoed from the halls walls. “As the circle of welcomes and goodbyes goes will we now see some of our young go. Eager to go and spread their wings, ready to explore the world and show their forth.” His arms opened wide gesturing towards the other grown demons around him. “We all were once in the same position. But don’t be fooled and head the advice of those who went before you. Life Is never presenting you with easy paths you always should look out and be prepared for whatever unknown lay ahead. Now for those who think it is time for their calling come forth.”
A grunting went through the lines of guards. The young demons, first anxious and ready to depart looked now less excited and confused at each other.
The lord had raised himself waiting, it was a hesitation among the young ones at first. Bit nonetheless soon the first started to come forth, reaching the lord and kneeing down in front of him.
The lord knew that not all of them would return, some would find other homes and others the end of their live. Out of the corner of his eyes he let his gaze linger for a moment on the blond headed demon child.
Nyx and Maria shared a short glace at one another as if to communicate what the other thought of the said.
“Whats wrong pissed your pants already weakling?” A sneering whisper came from Nyx right. Nyx kept quiet and looked straight ahead ignoring the demon boy who poked her side.
“Stop it Ramuel” Maria hissed, truth to be told Nyx was quiet able to defend herself and her friend knew that. But the thing with Nyx was that she rarely did anything and instead choose to remain quiet and endure whatever others threw her way in any way. It irked Maria as it made it even harder for herself to let others act like that towards her friend, maybe the other young ones did like to pick on Nyx also because they could not tell that she outweighed them in age and experience long.
The demon boy looked at Maria as If to messure how much of his mind he could give her without over stepping it to far.
“I do not know why you give yourself to such lower forms, in the end they are nothing more as hindrance when it comes to our way.”
Marias eye went up and down looking Ramuel over; he had chosen not to wear any shirt or armour showing of his trained muscles which tightened under the dark red skin as if to impress her, his tail curled up around his waist disguised as belt. Like herself Ramuel came from a long line of high ranking demons. But unlike herself his he had undergone already his first change, his horn already started to come forth in the middle of his forehead.
Maria guesses that he may become a strong and probably good Demon for the clan if and only if his attitude would change with time.
She looked away from his arrogant face. Disapproving of the way he measured others besides himself and status, age and experience did not matter to him. “In the end Ramuel we are the same, maybe there will be a time when even you can finally see that.” She murmured getting her attention back towards what was happening at the throne.
Nyx watched the boy’s reaction out of the corner of her eye. Both she and her friend knew that most of the young demons would not dare to confront Maria openly in fear to have the lord’s wrath on them which of course didn’t mean that now and then one of them would not try and provoke the young demon girl to lose her temper.
Ramuel snorted disdain and gave a hateful glare towards Nyx before getting his attention towards the event in front of them too.
“The doors will be always open for you. We hope that you will always keep these walls in your heart as a place of home.” The speech finished and one of the servant came forth who had been standing next to the throne. In his arm he carried a casket filled small scale pendants who were enchanted with a protecting spell. One after another the young demons who wanted to finally go, walked forth. Each time the lord reached inside the casked and got one pendant out binding it by the demons child’s blood to it.
===================================================

Thats the start hope you guys like it and leave a short feedback with your thoughts :) . The orginal rough draft was slightly different than this one but nothing drastical changed in the plot/story ^^.

Dark-Saron
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Re: Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

Post by Luu Sky Sapphire on Thu Apr 25, 2013 11:16 pm

It's a good thing you pointed Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road out to me, rather than the one on ff.net. I like to read stories in chronological order. =) So far, Bumpy Road (now that's a WIP title!) is pretty solid. We were thrown into the story as it began with Maria getting to know her surroundings. It started off very mysterious; quickly entering demon related territory with a lord to face and a partner in Nyx. I like the character of Nyx, I'd like to know more about her soon and how these two ended up in situation in the first place.

And yes, you could use a beta job, Shay, but worry about that later. I rarely have time to beta fanfiction, so just finish the story first and then we'll do a large scale beta job on it all. :)

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Re: Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

Post by Dark-Saron on Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:31 am

i like chronologic order too xD Funny that this story still came to life after the Actual Tainted Soul Idea with Shizuru which liek you pointed out is on ff.net :)

Strangly Nyx seems to have this effect on everyone who gave me feedback till now ;D but do not fear there will be enough of her (and Maria) in the story ^^


hahaha i knowww. i think even if its rough it scares some reader away because of the 'horrible' grammar Razz
Roger that, i take your word for that Luu so dont forget! :3
Working here and there currently on the big character/Race/places Guide and the story (weirdly i end up more rewritting some paragraphs instead of continueing the actual plot =_=") when i have time between uni/ homework and work^^

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Re: Tainted Soul: Bumpy Road

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